Dear The Next One

This post is inspired by a Youtube video put out by Ayalla Karina. If you have not yet seen her video, I highly suggest you check it out here.  There are references to domestic violence in my work, so read onward at your discretion-KW

Swirly Heart Image Courtesy of ClipartPanda.com

Dear The Next One,
I am not broken, but I am grateful that you are gentle with me. I don’t like admitting how intensely I was abused by a previous partner, nor how deep the hurt goes. You never bat an eyelash when I make passing jokes about being smacked around. I know it can’t be easy to hear the way I cope with my past.

You’ve seen the way my whole body shakes when you get mad, the terror thumping through my veins, ice cold. And I’ve seen the realization in your eyes as I try to stay composed. The anger melts away, and you hold me. You mean it when you apologize. You listen when I tell you what I cannot bear, and you remember it.

You have still hurt me,  my next one. And that’s okay. Conflict is part of being alive. But when I say hurt, I mean by  losing your temper, or telling me something I need to hear, whether I like it or not. You would never lay a hand on me. I told you, over drinks, that I would never let another man hit me again; I said this for my own reassurance, not because I fear you. You have always gone out of your way to make me feel safe.

It’s not easy for me to put my own comfort above everyone else’s. For such a long time I have been unable to see that I am valuable, and worthy of being happy. I let depression wrap itself around me like a climbing vine, leaving me unwilling to care for myself more than necessary. I stopped washing my hair, doing my makeup, doing my laundry. None of it mattered because I didn’t matter.

I know it won’t always be easy. You are not a perfect person, and I would never ask you to be. I’m nowhere close to perfect either. But with you, I see a future where happiness is not fleeting. I don’t know if you will be my last one. You don’t need to be. I am happy for you to be you, unabashedly, my next one.

All My Love,
Katherine Wheel