A Collection Of Poems On Love, Abuse, And Recovery

The following is a trio of poems I have written in response to the 2 years of abuse I experienced. They are a small part of my journey to recovery. I hope you enjoy- KW

Concentrated Pressure

I am not shattered,
nor broken, nor cracked.

The choke hold
you held over me has
turned me into
a diamond.

Now I am far too strong,
too radiant,
too valuable,
for you to ever,
ever
deserve me.


Illegitimi non carborundum
It is okay to have a kind heart.
The world doesn’t have

to grind your compassion to bitter dust.

Acceptance of others is not
an invitation to be torn apart.
You deserve to be
respected and protected.

Darling,
you owe nothing to them.
Don’t let them snuff out your light.


Taking Residence

My love is not
a no-tell-motel
with windows smashed in
by careless boys pretending to be men.

It is not  guest house,
a place to sleep but not to remain in.
You can’t just come and go
without warning or regret
and expect things to be as clean
as they were on the first visit.

My love is a home
with shoes strewn by the door,
coats hanging off of chairs,
forgotten mugs of tea leaving rings on
my coffee table heart.
My love is messy, but it is real.

I offer up the keys perhaps
too soon, too passionately,
but I do not take that offer lightly.
When you take residence in my heart,
pull up a comfortable chair.
Enjoy your stay.

Suomi Dreams

Even now, at age 24, I dream of happily ever after. I dream of a 3-bedroom house with a modest yard. I dream of little blue-eyed children gazing back at me, still convinced that Mommy has all the answers.

I don’t have the answers. As it turns out, neither does my mother, or her mother. Frankly, I’d like to know who has all the answers. Why do I come from a family with a longstanding background of mental illness and substance abuse? Why do I fall for men cut from that same cloth?

I think that’s why I hold so tightly to my fairytale life, and the fantasy world in my head. It lets me escape from the painful reality of my past and the difficult decisions I must make every day. Fantasy gives me hope for the future. Understandably, I feel mentally stunted. The ways in which I love have changed so little since I was 14. I love furiously, passionately, completely. Love consumes me so much that I often wonder if all women feel this way.

I’m finally going to experience a long-held fantasy of mine next week: I’m going to see HIM for their farewell tour. HIM is and was a band I’ve romanticized for years. A band that created Love Metal. A band fronted by a man who has turned all of his sorrows into something beautiful and healing. Ville Valo is the kind of creator I️ aspire to be. Because of him, his bandmates, and the legacy they’ve built I want to live in their native country of Finland, if only for a little while. There is nothing that brings me the same mental peace as envisioning breathing in the brisk Helsinki air and being free to write and create.

It sounds outlandish, I imagine. It probably is. But I’m holding on to Finland.

All my love,

Katherine Wheel